Jack Conway is running against Rand Paul in Kentucky for the Senate. Conway has accused Paul, a libertarian running as a Republican, of holding secret mock pagan rituals when he was in college. The accounts I read are that a female friend was tied up (willfully) and forced to bow to Rand Paul’s “god,” Aqua Buddha. I happen to know Aqua Buddha, and though he prefers to avoid the limelight, AB agreed to assume his earthly form and be interviewed for my blog. A transcript follows.
TN: Good to see you again, Aqua, and thanks for coming out to clear the air about Rand Paul’s association with you. First of all, are you a god?
AB: Of course I am. You are too.
TN: Surely you don’t mean that we are all gods. Clearly you are different from me.
AB: Not so. The only difference is that people let me stand in the way of seeing their own godliness. They see you as just another human being and so don’t get all caught up in identifying with you. It’s all so simple, but everyone screws it up.
TN: So what about this incident with Rand Paul?
AB: I had forgotten all about that until this Conway character digs it up and makes it a campaign issue. Is this what passes for politics there days? Jesus, you guys need help. I looked up my notes and then it all came back to me. They got some chick stoned, then tied her up and made her worship me. End of story.
TN: So nothing untoward happened?
AB: Good lord no. Everybody giggled a lot, Paul said some weird stuff about his “secret” religion, and they went home. Though none of them ever really understood the significance, they were in-the-moment then.
TN: In the moment?
AB: Yeah, for a brief span of time, they were completely alive. Joking, giggling, being with each other–having a ball. That’s it. That’s all you get. Trust me, I’ve been at this several thousand years. Hell, I am older than Gautama. You know how rare it is to see people really living? I got tickled myself–nearly blew my cover. I saw all this going on and materialized right across the creek bank. You know, thought I’d add to the fun. They kept saying, “Whoa, this is some good reefer.” Before long they had convinced themselves I really was there. Well, I am getting stitches, trying not to fall over and roll into the creek. What a hoot.
TN: And that was it?
AB: That was it. I made sure they made it home OK and scooted back to Nirvana.
TN: So why the controversy?
AB: Baylor. Baptists. Religious people crack me up. You know what I mean. Baylor requires potential faculty members to submit to a bunch of nosy questions about Jesus. Back then, there was a group who spoofed the stuffed shirts and got in trouble. They got banned from campus. It’s their right, of course, being a private school and all, but Jimminy Christmas. Lighten up. Why do you think you still have about a gazillion reincarnations to go? Hey, ever hear this one? Why don’t Baptists make love standing up?
TN: I don’t know. Why?
AB: Someone might think they’re dancing.
TN: Good one.
AB: Yeah, that one never gets old. Used to use a version of it on Confucius. He would get SO mad. When he gets off his high horse and enters Nirvana, he’s going to poop himself when he finds out it was me gigging him all those millennia.
TN: So do you have any advice for us?
AB: Sure. Let’s start with Conway. Get some self-respect. I mean, how lame can you get? It’s hard enough to be seen as respectable when you are in politics without dragging up some stupid story from 30 years ago. And the insinuation that people who mock religion aren’t fit to govern? Get a life. There are more religions on Earth than mustard seeds in a jar. And YOU have the only right one? Do I need to go on or are you getting this? Now, for everybody else. Why do you tolerate these simpletons? Here you have the best idea I have ever seen in human history. You get to VOTE on your leaders. So don’t go complaining when the likes of Conway gets a bunch of religious nuts all riled up and does something REALLY stupid, like makes non-Christians ineligible for office. Laugh now–I’ve seen MUCH worse in my lifetime/s.
Aqua Buddha’s views do not necessarily reflect the opinion of this blog or its writers. Readers are cautioned to think for themselves.