My wife gets irritated when commercials are stupid. She becomes homicidal when they are too loud. Congress to the rescue. Please don’t kill no one today, Dear. Your problem has been solved.
Yes, Congress has passed a law making it illegal for TV commercials to be louder than the program they interrupt. At first, you might think I’d be sore about that. Quite the contrary. For every benignly idiotic law they pass like this, there is time to pass one fewer destructive idiotic law. Help me start a campaign to pass more like this, say…
- No more homemade commercials. Ever. Of any kind.
- No car paint that looks like fingernail polish.
- No Speedos on men who are not actually training for a race.
- No bikinis on women who can bench more than 275.
- No driving faster than your IQ–in kilometers per hour.
- No talking after three drinks.
- No singing after two drinks.
- No more drinking at all if you didn’t get #5.
- No “My kid is an honor student” stickers unless you can prove it.
- No embarrassing Palin quotes without a corresponding Biden quote (any will do).
- No whale tails on economy cars.
- No tire-squealing with a front-wheel drive car.
- No tattoos where I can see them.
There, that should get us started. Feel free to add.